The Small Game Hunter

By Sheri Schofield

   “What’s that?” I exclaimed, stopping suddenly in my tracks.

   “I’m not sure,” Tim responded worriedly. “Christy! Christy!” he called to our teenage daughter who was ahead of us on the woodland trail. “Christy! Stop where you are and wait for us!”

   “I’m already stopped, Dad,” she called. “What was that scream?”

   “I think it may have been a mountain lion,” he shouted.

   A blur of flying teenager whizzed past us heading back to the house.

  “Let’s go,” Tim said, grabbing my hand and following Christy. “Next time we go for a hike, I think I’ll bring my rifle.”

   “You don’t have a rifle, Tim,” I puffed, trying to keep up.

   “Well, maybe I should get one.”

   “Ha!” I scoffed. Tim? With a rifle? An anomaly in a state where most men hunt, Tim couldn’t bear to see animals hurt. Just the week before, Christy had invaded my kitchen after school with complaints about the drive home.

   “Dad hit a squirrel,” she announced. “Then he stopped the car and ran back to try to help it. Fortunately, it died before he could give it mouth-to mouth. I was terrified that one of my friends might drive by and see!”

   No, Mark wasn’t likely to buy a rifle. He’d never use it.

   Living in a log home twenty miles from town is wonderful. But in Montana there are always certain dangers to rural living. Mountain lions on the prowl are one of them.

   When I was a youngster, our family lived close to town, where the treat of mountain lions was not usually a problem. There was a time, though, when the threat of a mountain lion haunted our small community…

   The town of St. Ellen lay sunning itself beneath the setting summer sun. Our town was a quaint little village with a few old-fashioned streetlights, white globes that beamed down at night on the lichen-covered rock walls separating the lawns from the sidewalks. Stone cottages set back from the thoroughfare nestled among the stately evergreens and oak trees. Many of the shops were also built of stone, but a fair number of older structures had false wood fronts and shaded boardwalks.

   The road passed through St. Ellen, crossed a lazy river, and led the traveler upward into a deep shaded forest, then broke into the open once more near the top of the hill. There, nestled among the trees and wildflowers, was a small community known as the Hill of St. Ellen. Everyone knew everybody else on the Hill. I was born there, so I belonged.

   The Hill was originally built as a place where folks with “nerves” could get away from the stress of life to a place of rest and healing for whatever ailed their tired souls and bodies. For the stressed ones, there was a lovely church from which chimes echoed on the evening air at the end of the day. For those who suffered physically, there were guest houses, mineral springs, and physical therapy available. A small store and post office combination with a barber shop next-door provided casual gathering places for the community. Local news was exchanged and embellished there daily. Below the store was the fire station with its one truck.

   Our house clung to the slope below the central hub, which meant we were among the first to hear any spicy tidbits. Gran and Gramps lived on one side of us in an older wooden home. Uncle Amos and Aunt Eddie still lived at home with them.

   Down the slope from our house lived Uncle Zack, Aunt Louis, and their three girls, Haley, Blossom, and Ivy. Their house was built of bricks.

  (And no, our house was not built of straw!)

   I was the oldest child in our family with two siblings, Doolie and Daisy. My cousin, Haley, was my age, and was the oldest of three at her house. Haley and I were inseparable.

   We had just finished third grade and were enjoying our summer vacation, when peace on the Hill was shattered. One evening, as the crickets began their song and bats flew out of the caves on the mountain, Millie Jo, a nurse at the health center, was sitting on her porch with her friend Bea. Millie Jo was a plump, cheery girl with short, curly black hair and blue eyes that looked near-sightedly upon the world through thick glasses.

   Bea, tall and thin, always agreed with whatever Millie Jo said, for unlike Bea, Millie Jo was always confident. “Millie Jo says…” peppered Bea’s conversations.

   As the sun faded gently behind the mountains, the two young women sighed and started back indoors. Suddenly, a blood-curdling scream froze them to the spot.    

   Millie Jo whipped around, staring intently toward the trees. “Look, Bea! A mountain lion!”

   “A mountain lion? Here?”

   “Yes! I saw it jump from that old ash tree! Didn’t you hear it scream?”

   “I did!” said Bea. “Oh, how thrilling!”

   The next afternoon, Mama brought the news home to our clan as we gathered at Gran’s and Gramp’s place.

   “There’s a mountain lion on the Hill,” Mama said matter-of-factly, setting the groceries down on the table.

   “Call the dogs,” Gramps ordered. He and the menfolk headed for the gun rack.

   “Major! Hercules!” Gran called, sticking her head out the screen door.

   Major, our big tawny dog, came running. Behind him trotted a rooster. Aunt Eddie had raised Hercules, a handsome Bantom, from a chick along with Major, so he thought he was a dog. He couldn’t exactly bark, but he could growl. We called him a dog to keep him happy. He and Major went everywhere together, and the other dogs on the Hill had learned to tolerate him. Major had insisted.

   “Where did you see the mountain lion?” Gramps asked, loading his rifle.

   “Oh, I didn’t see it,” Mama said. “Millie Jo saw it.”

   “Millie Jo?” Gramps sat back down and began unloading the gun.

   “Yes,” said Mama

   The rest of the men put their rifles away.

   “Millie Jo and Bea saw it yesterday evening. They heard this wild scream and saw the mountain lion’s shadow as it jumped out of that big oak tree behind their place.”

   Uncle Amos shook his head in disgust. “It was probably that old tomcat that hangs around Claude’s place. It’s so big, I’ve thought it was a cocker spaniel at a distance.”

   “Yeah,” Pa said. “Millie Jo’s imagination must’ve got the best of her.”

   “Dr. Hayworth saw a mountain lion up at his place last winter,” Mama said. “I wouldn’t be so sure Millie just imagined it.”

   On the floor around the corner, Haley, Doolie and I paused in our game of marbles to listen to the adults.

   “I bet it really was a mountain lion,” Doolie said firmly.

   Haley and I nodded in agreement.

   “So what are we going to do about it?” Haley asked.

   “I say we build a trap,” Doolie said. Just like the leopard trap in that John Wayne movie, Hatari.” At age six, Doolie was very much into the hunting and catching phase of his life. He practiced lassoing the rest of us when we least expected it.

   We had all seen Hatari several times. Pa was the projectionist at the St. Ellen theater, and we had free passes.

   The next day Haley, Doolie, Blossom, Daisy and I tromped around the forest trying to find the perfect spot for our trap. We didn’t bring Ivy along. She couldn’t keep a secret. Besides, she liked to bite.

   “Look,” Doolie pointed. “That tree fell down and its roots are sticking up. We could use that for one side of the trap.”

   “Good idea,” I said.

   Doolie was our best trapper. He knew just what was needed. “Everyone pick up all the big sticks you can find and bring them here.”

   In a very short time, we had put together a large pile of fallen tree limbs for Doolie to build into a trap. He went to work weaving sticks together and pounding others into the forest floor.

   “If that ol’ lion walks inside, all the branches will fall on top of him and give him a ‘cussion,” he finally said with satisfaction.

   “We need some kind of bait,” I said.

   “In Hatari they used a chicken,” Haley said.

   “What about Hercules?” Doolie asked.

   Off we went in search of the chicken-dog. He was usually scratching for bugs in the forest behind Gran’s place.

   “There he is,” Blossom hissed.

   We spread out in a skirmish line.

   “Okay, everybody…now just walk slow and pretend we’re going for a walk,” I said.

   “Doolie took his shirt off and held it out to throw over the rooster.

   “Here, chickie-chickie,” I crooned, trying to sound like Gran when she called to feed him.

   Hercules looked up and cocked his head. It must have been our stealth that tipped him off because he started running toward the forest.

   “Get him!” I shouted.

   We charged the rooster, squealing with laughter, Doolie in the lead. Major ran up behind us, barking and wagging his tail wildly. We finally cornered Hercules. Doolie clamped his shirt over the angry bird, and we had our bait.

   “Better take the forest path. If we cut through Gran’s place, somebody’s liable to see us,” Haley said.

   “Aunt Eddie would make us let him go,” I agreed. “She’d think he’d get hurt. But I know Hercules. Any lion that gets caught in the same trap with him will be a mess by morning. Hercules is mean.

   The chicken-dog growled and struggled to get away. At the trap, Haley and I held Hercules still while Doolie tied the heavy anchoring string to the rooster’s foot.

   “On the count of three, let him go into the trap and get out of here!” I told Haley. “Let Doolie close it up. One—two—three!”

   We ducked out of the trap, barely making it to safety. Hercules nearly choked on his anger as he charged us, but the string yanked him up short. Major whined and looked anxiously at his pal.

   “Come here, boy,” I said, patting the side of the fir tree away from the trap.

   Major slinked over.

   “Sit,” I ordered. I tied him to the tree with a short bit of rope. I didn’t want him triggering the trap.

   He sat there whining.

   “Stay,” I ordered.

   “Lucy, can I set my bow an’ arrow up, too?” Doolie asked.

   “Sure,” I said. It couldn’t hurt. It was just a toy set.

   Doolie dashed back to the house and fetched his little bow and arrow set which he’d had since Christmas. He rigged it so a rubber-tipped arrow would fly into the trap when the lion activated the trigger. Don’t ask me to explain how he did it, but it worked.

   Afterward, we all tromped back to our homes feeling like we had accomplished something awesome. As it turned out, we had, too.

   That night as I was drifting off to sleep, the fire station sounded the alarm signal.

   I jumped out of bed and ran to look out the living room window, hoping to see where the fire was, while Pa tromped across the porch and headed up the hill to find out what was happening and to see if he was needed to fight fire.

Nearly twenty minutes passed before Uncle Amos dashed down the path and knocked at our door. “Brother Jeremiah called for a search party. Pastor Miller is missing. He went for a walk in the forest, and Mrs. Miller thinks the mountain lion may have attacked him.”

   “Oh, no!” Mama exclaimed.

   “Can I borrow any flashlights you have? We’re going to spread out and search the forest.”

   “Sure Amos. Come inside while I fetch them.” Mama pushed a chair over to the high cupboards, stepped up onto it, and pulled out three flashlights. “Will this be enough?”

   “They’ll help.” Amos tucked two flashlights into his back pockets and turned the third on for his own use.

   “Let me know when you find Pastor,” Mama said.

   “Sure thing, Sis,” Then Amos was gone.

   Poor Pastor Miller! I ran over to the big picture window overlooking the forest, praying fervently for his safe return. I liked Pastor Miller a lot. He was always kind.

   “Pastor! Pastor Miller!” the men called in the forest. “Where are you?” Their voices echoed through the forest. Lights bobbed between the trees. The moon came out offering better light for the search.

   “Did you check with the beekeeper?” someone called.

   “Yes. He wasn’t there.”

   “Has anyone checked the river?”

   “Not yet.”

   Not the river! I prayed harder.

   It seemed like ages since the hunt had started. Finally, I heard a shout.

   “Over here!”

   The lights began bobbing in the direction of the forest near us.

   “Here he is!” Pa’s voice called.

   A few minutes later, the men came tromping into our house, supporting a dazed Pastor Miller.

   Major slinked in behind Pa, his head held low and his tail jerking in guilty little wags.

   “We found him in some brush just south of here,” said Mr. Stanley. “This was sticking up from his forehead.” He held out a little toy arrow.

  “Uh-oh! I wonder what the penalty is for shooting the pastor.

   “Here, John,” Papa said, helping Pastor Miller into a chair and looking suspiciously at the little arrow.

   Mama fetched a cup of hot tea and held it up to Pastor’s trembling, blue lips.  The tea seemed to help. After a couple sips, Pastor Miller revived a little and gasped, “M-m-m-mountain lion!”

   “Mountain lion!” everyone began talking at once.

   “So it’s true! Millie Jo did see a lion!”

   Cupping the hot cup in his hands, Pastor Miller explained. “I was walking down the path, when I saw a rooster caught in a pile of brush. I crawled through it to free the poor thing, when I heard the mountain lion roar right behind me! I must have jumped up and dislodged the brush, because that’s the last think I remember until I heard the men shouting for me.”

   Major slinked toward me and whine apologetically, trying to make his big, tawny body look small and inconspicuous.

   Excitedly, the men began planning a hunting party. I breathed a sigh of relief. It wasn’t entirely our fault after all. Whew! It was the mountain lion’s fault! There for a minute, I was afraid that my ticket through the Pearly Gates had been cancelled permanently. That was a close one!

   Millie Jo was given credit for being the first one to spot the mountain lion and sounding the alarm.

   Pastor Miller thanked the good Lord for saving him from the mouth of the lion, like Daniel.

   Hercules developed an intense allergy toward us children for a full week before his tiny brain forgot why he was avoiding us.

   Haley and I decided that building mountain lion traps was extremely dangerous to our eternal destinies, and solemnly vowed to each other that we would have nothing more to do with Doolie’s traps.

   Doolie, shaken by catching something as sacred as Pastor Miller, decided to restrict his future traps to small animals, like gophers.

   When Doolie hit his teenage years and Pa wanted to take him hunting, Doolie just shook his head and refused to join the men.

   The menfolk took it philosophically. “He’s a little strange,” Uncle Zack commented.

   “Maybe he’ll grow out of it,” Pa said hopefully.

   “It’s all those girls,” Gramp concluded. “They’re turning him into a sissy!”

   Over the years, Doolie continued hunting small animals. He volunteered to help neighbors get rid of gophers, mice, and rats. He claimed to be “Montana’s First Small Game Hunter.”

   Branching out, Doolie learned taxidermy. He skinned and stuffed the little creatures, even mounting their heads on miniature plaques. His living room wall was covered with tiny trophies, glaring ferociously at anyone who entered. Which could explain why Doolie was late in marrying. Oh yes, he was handsome, and he dated. But one look at Doolie’s living room walls, and those dates were history.

   “Lose the trophies,” I told him several times.

   But Doolie refused. “Waste not, want not,” he said. He decided to market his trophies. He owned a gas station along the main tourist artery. He found that people from other states would buy just about anything that would give them bragging rights back home.

   While some stations collected elk manure and sold it as “Elk Seed” Grow your own elk,” Doolie cashed in on his knowledge of girls. Over the years, he’d seen his cousins and sisters collect Barbie dolls, Barbie houses, Barbie cars, and finally, Ken.

   Now Ken was a man with whom Doolie could relate. Surrounded by women, poor Ken didn’t have a chance to express himself.

   Doolie set up his collection of gopher, mole, rat and mice trophy heads at the gas station. Above them, he placed a sign:

   Give Ken his own space: Decorate Ken’s den with trophies!”

   Fathers who’d invested fortunes in Barbie accessories for their daughters responded with enthusiasm to the novelty.

   “Hey! How much do you want for a trophy head? Only fifteen dollars? What a deal! I’ll take two—one for Ken and one for me. Ha! Can’t wait to show the girls.”

   With silly grins on their faces, dads walk out to their cars. “Hey, look! See what I’ve bought for Ken’s den!” They open the sacks.

   Screams lift the roof as the cars pull out of the service station, accompanied by dads’ wild laughter.

   Montana’s First Small Game Hunter rings up the profit on his cash register and just grins.

  

 

 

 

As The Wheel Turns -Part 2

   Over the years I’ve absorbed a fair bit of knowledge about what goes on under the hood of my car. But I keep it to myself…unless I happen to be alone on a long trip and have an emergency requiring the aid of an unknown mechanic. In that case, I will do the guy thing and comment on what I suspect the problem is.

   Example: “You know, mister, I think it is the alternator. Could you take a look at that for me? I left my overalls at home and don’t want to ruin this dress.”

   It keeps expenses to a minimum.

   Because I’m small, I probably could not do anything about fixing my car anyway. Fortunately, I have had probably the longest unbroken streak of good luck with cars in the history of womankind. The only time my car will get a flat tire is when there are men either in the car or near-by.

   I always let them change the tire for me. It’s good for their self-image. Besides, men still need dragons to slay and changing tires for helpless women is still one of those dragons.

   When I have a flat tire, I step out of the car, walk around to the punctured tire and look helpless. Within 30 seconds, a man will pull up and ask if he can change it for me. Of course, I live in the far west, where men are still gallant about such things. I’m not sure how women manage in places like New York City.

   If my car breaks down, it will do so in front of a service station or a used car lot. Or when Tim is driving it. I recently drove a newly purchased car across four states and back. True to form for one of my cars, it waited until I pulled into my home driveway before blowing two radiator hoses.

   My mechanic just shook his head and said, “Sheri, you must have a flock of angels watching over you!” (And I do, of course.)

   That’s why it came as such a shock when I suddenly found myself stranded twenty miles from town in a canyon, in a car that refused to finish the course.

   As it coasted to a stop along the shoulder of the road, I thought, “I am definitely not dress for this event!”

   It was a hot day and, unfortunately, I was dressed for the weather. The outfit would undoubtedly stop a truck driver but would stifle any sympathy from the other women on the road. This was not good.

   The dashboards lights were flashing “check engine-check oil-check battery.” The temperature gauge was moderate.

   I rested my forehead against the steering wheel in frustration and more than a little unease, then sighed and got out of the car. I lifted the hood. No steam. No smoke. Good! Nothing earth-shattering.

   “Hm. It’s probably the fuel pump,” I thought. But knowing the problem wasn’t comforting. Not fifteen miles from help out in the middle of Montana. I had bigger problems to solve, like how to get into town safely.

   Just then a huge, green fuel truck screeched to a halt on the road in front of me and began backing up.

   Uh-oh. A strange man! Visions of “America’s Most Wanted” flashed through my mind as I waited apprehensively for him to appear.

   A large, grizzled man dressed in a company uniform approached around the end of the truck. He tucked in his shirt, shifted his wad of chewing tobacco, spat, and asked, “You got a problem there, lady?”

   I sighed and nodded. “I think so.”

   He came over, looked at the engine and said just what I’d thought. “Hm. No smoke. No steam.” He fiddled with a few lines and said, “You wanna try starting ‘er up again?”

   “Okay,” I said meekly, walking back to the car door. The engine started. Yes! Then it died again. No!

   “I don’t think it’s going to make it,” I sighed, getting out of the car and walking back to the truck driver. “Hm,” I muttered, staring at the engine.

   So did he.

   “Would you happen to have a cell phone?” I asked.

   “I do,” he nodded. Looking around at the canyon walls towering over the road he added, “Well, maybe.”

   No dice. The phone was useless.

   “You know where Bob’s Market is?” I asked cautiously.

   “Sure do.”

   “Could I get a lift there?”
   A few minutes later, bouncing along on the front seat of the truck, we cleared the canyon. I immediately called Tim at work. I was expecting him to say something like, “Honey! Are you okay? I’ll be right there!”

   What came out was, “So why did you call me? Why didn’t you stay with the car and call Auto Club?”

   Why, after all these years, does Tim persist in thinking I can take care of myself?

   The truck driver thoughtfully deposited me right outside the door of Bob’s Market. I thanked him for the ride and climbed down from the cab, palms sweating from the nervousness of my narrow escape from this stranger. As I turned to wave good-by, I saw the man lift the cell phone to his hear. Through the open window of the cab I heard him say, “Hello, Dear. Just thought I’d call you and let you know I’m okay…”

  

  

(Rule of Three: In the story, I described myself as small and helpless when it comes to cars. And I am. So the last line was the change of perspective, and that creates humor. Another way to write humor is to tell what you are thinking when it goes against what is usually said aloud – The things we think but never say.)

 

As The Wheel Turns (Part 2)

   Over the years I’ve absorbed a fair bit of knowledge about what goes on under the hood of my car. But I keep it to myself…unless I happen to be alone on a long trip and have an emergency requiring the aid of an unknown mechanic. In that case, I will do the guy thing and comment on what I suspect the problem is.

   Example: “You know, mister, I think it is the alternator. Could you take a look at that for me? I left my overalls at home and don’t want to ruin this dress.”

   It keeps expenses to a minimum.

   Because I’m small, I probably could not do anything about fixing my car anyway. Fortunately, I have had probably the longest unbroken streak of good luck with cars in the history of womankind. The only time my car will get a flat tire is when there are men either in the car or near-by.

   I always let them change the tire for me. It’s good for their self-image. Besides, men still need dragons to slay and changing tires for helpless women is still one of those dragons.

   When I have a flat tire, I step out of the car, walk around to the punctured tire and look helpless. Within 30 seconds, a man will pull up and ask if he can change it for me. Of course, I live in the far west, where men are still gallant about such things. I’m not sure how women manage in places like New York City.

   If my car breaks down, it will do so in front of a service station or a used car lot. Or when Tim is driving it. I recently drove a newly purchased car across four states and back. True to form for one of my cars, it waited until I pulled into my home driveway before blowing two radiator hoses.

   My mechanic just shook his head and said, “Sheri, you must have a flock of angels watching over you!” (And I do, of course.)

   That’s why it came as such a shock when I suddenly found myself stranded twenty miles from town in a canyon, in a car that refused to finish the course.

   As it coasted to a stop along the shoulder of the road, I thought, “I am definitely not dress for this event!”

   It was a hot day and, unfortunately, I was dressed for the weather. The outfit would undoubtedly stop a truck driver but would stifle any sympathy from the other women on the road. This was not good.

   The dashboards lights were flashing “check engine-check oil-check battery.” The temperature gauge was moderate.

   I rested my forehead against the steering wheel in frustration and more than a little unease, then sighed and got out of the car. I lifted the hood. No steam. No smoke. Good! Nothing earth-shattering.

   “Hm. It’s probably the fuel pump,” I thought. But knowing the problem wasn’t comforting. Not fifteen miles from help out in the middle of Montana. I had bigger problems to solve, like how to get into town safely.

   Just then a huge, green fuel truck screeched to a halt on the road in front of me and began backing up.

   Uh-oh. A strange man! Visions of “America’s Most Wanted” flashed through my mind as I waited apprehensively for him to appear.

   A large, grizzled man dressed in a company uniform approached around the end of the truck. He tucked in his shirt, shifted his wad of chewing tobacco, spat, and asked, “You got a problem there, lady?”

   I sighed and nodded. “I think so.”

   He came over, looked at the engine and said just what I’d thought. “Hm. No smoke. No steam.” He fiddled with a few lines and said, “You wanna try starting ‘er up again?”

   “Okay,” I said meekly, walking back to the car door. The engine started. Yes! Then it died again. No!

   “I don’t think it’s going to make it,” I sighed, getting out of the car and walking back to the truck driver. “Hm,” I muttered, staring at the engine.

   So did he.

   “Would you happen to have a cell phone?” I asked.

   “I do,” he nodded. Looking around at the canyon walls towering over the road he added, “Well, maybe.”

   No dice. The phone was useless.

   “You know where Bob’s Market is?” I asked cautiously.

   “Sure do.”

   “Could I get a lift there?”
   A few minutes later, bouncing along on the front seat of the truck, we cleared the canyon. I immediately called Tim at work. I was expecting him to say something like, “Honey! Are you okay? I’ll be right there!”

   What came out was, “So why did you call me? Why didn’t you stay with the car and call Auto Club?”

   Why, after all these years, does Tim persist in thinking I can take care of myself?

   The truck driver thoughtfully deposited me right outside the door of Bob’s Market. I thanked him for the ride and climbed down from the cab, palms sweating from the nervousness of my narrow escape from this stranger. As I turned to wave good-by, I saw the man lift the cell phone to his hear. Through the open window of the cab I heard him say, “Hello, Dear. Just thought I’d call you and let you know I’m okay…”

  

  

(Rule of Three: In the story, I described myself as small and helpless when it comes to cars. And I am. So the last line was the change of perspective, and that creates humor. Another way to write humor is to tell what you are thinking when it goes against what is usually said aloud – The things we think but never say.)

 

As The Wheel Turns, Part 1

 

   “Hey, Mom,” my teenage daughter, Christy, called from her bedroom doorway. “What’s one thing you’ve learned the hard way in life?”

   Without looking up from my book, I quipped, “Never let your father fix my car!”

   A chuckle sounded behind the Sunday paper. Two twinkling sea-green eyes glared at me in mock ferocity as Tim lowered the paper.

   “Sheri, if you don’t watch out, I won’t change your oil this afternoon!”

   “Thanks for warning me what you are planning,” I fired back.

   Christy came into the living room. “My English teacher wants me to interview you and Dad, then write an essay on what you tell me. Did you really want me to answer the question that way?”

   Of course,” I said. It seemed the safest answer to her question about things I’ve learned the hard way. It was absolutely true, too.

   Tim is good at a great many things, but cars aren’t his specialty, even though he thinks they are.

   Around midnight a few nights ago, we were fast asleep. Suddenly, a car’s horn began blaring. I sat up in bed. “Tim, is that one of your cars?”

   “Humph?” he mumbled. “No. It’s the neighbor’s car.” He turned over and pulled his pillow over his head.

   “Tim, the neighbors live a half mile away. That can’t be the neighbor’s car. My car would never do such a thing, so it must be one of yours. You’d better go check.”

   Mumbling crossly, Tim dragged himself out of bed and stalked outside. I slithered out of bed and peeked through the window to watch.

   Tim opened the back door. A blast of wind slammed it against the wall. Sticking his head outside, he glared at the blaring culprit. Sure enough, it was his old station wagon. Tim limped toward it across the sharp gravel.

   “Ow! Ow!” he said, not being a swearing sort of man.

   Just as he reached the car, the blaring horn stopped.

   “Pull the plug, Tim. Pull the plug!” I whispered to myself.

  Tim halted uncertainly, shrugged, and headed back to the house and plopped back into bed.

   “Why didn’t you pull the plug on that horn?” I asked.

   “It stopped.”

   I lay back on my pillow and waited.

   Sure enough, the wind picked up, roaring through the pine trees. Lightning flashed. Thunder rumbled.

   That’s when the car’s horn began blasting again.

   I knew it! That car had deliberately waited until all the elements were on edge before blaring again. (Don’t ever try to convince me cars and computers aren’t influenced by invisible forces. Our definitely are demonic. Particularly Tim’s.)

   “Aaaack!” Tim shouted, throwing the covers back and racing back out to the car. Sharp stones poked his feet again. Wind blew his hair straight up. He lifted the car’s hood and jerked the wire connected to the horn. Silence. That’s when the rain hit.

   Tim dropped the hood into place and dashed back into the house.

   I smiled into my pillow as Tim changed into dry pajamas and climbed back into bed. It seems to be his destiny to do battle with his vehicles.

   On the other hand, I take my cars to real mechanics, and my cars behave nicely.

   I’ve picked up a lot of car knowledge from the men around me. It’s impossible not to. Every time something goes wrong with my car … and there’s always a man in the car at the time … all the male creatures in the vehicle, and maybe a few driving by on the road, will give their opinion about what’s wrong.

   “It’s probably the starter.”

   “Well, it might be a bad alternator.”

   “Or the spark plugs.”

   I’m convinced  men do this to intimidate women. They never say anything useful.

   So I sit there in panic trying to get the thing going. I’ve learned to ask the men to “get out and push and see if we can push-start it.” Then, when all the male creatures are outside the car, I can think clearly again. I check everything, and quietly do something like put the car in the right gear, turn the key, and voila, it starts.

   Gratified that they could be helpful in push-starting my car, the men smile and walk away. Except for my man, who gets back into the car and suggests I get the vehicle tuned up.

   I thank him for his help and don’t tell him what the real problem was. I feel too stupid. Besides, if he couldn’t have thought of checking the gear in the first place, he doesn’t deserve to know the truth.

   I now drive an automatic. No more gear issues for me!

 

(Tune in next time for As The Wheel

Turns, Part 2.)

  

Humor is one of the multisensory tools you might want to add to your teaching or speaking  work belt. Using humor to illustrate usually involves exaggeration. In this case, however, I told it like it really happened. (Of course, I usually see things from a funny point of view.) When speaking or writing, using humor to illustrate a point will help your audience relax and enjoy the story, as well as help people remember your what you said to them and, for some, it will help them remember your point … as long as your point relates to the humorous story you just told.

   I would use a story like this in writing a piece about evaluating who you choose to speak into your life. Just as I would not take my car to someone without good mechanical skills, I would not take advice from someone without a good understanding of God and his ways.

   Of course, this is a long lead-in to writing on the subject, unless one is writing a book. But it illustrates humor.

   To write humor, one must tap into the Rule of Three: To make a person laugh, get them to start thinking of something in a certain way, then finish your illustration by switching to a different way of viewing the subject. Usually, that takes 3 leads going in one direction, then a 4th going a different direction.

   In this story, I used only one serious lead, followed by a comic response.

Lead: “What’s one thing you learned the hard way?” (Implies a serious topic.)

Change direction: “Never let your father fix my car.” (Comic response.)

   I will illustrate this Rule of Three again in my next blog post.